Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
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nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.