Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
You Might Also Like
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!