[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
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him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
“That’s what” – She
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.