Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
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Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
I cannot stop laughing at this
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
🤣🤣
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
Me trying to “trust the process”
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given