In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
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I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
welcome back
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds