Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
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going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.