Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
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My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.