Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
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Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
dam girl
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
We’ve all been there
🙄😏😂🤣
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying