how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
You Might Also Like
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”