There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
You Might Also Like
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
Spell check is for lasers.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster