I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
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Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Batman v Dracula
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch