If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
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The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Black Friday “markdowns” like
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !