[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
You Might Also Like
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.