When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
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I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog