ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
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IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
Best misinterpreted text ever!
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.