CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
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Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.