why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
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Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
every. time.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!