Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
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Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
pictures of spider-man
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin