I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
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“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
“and how does that make you feel?”
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.