I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
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It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
Dear Lord..
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
gentlemen, hear me out