I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
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I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.