Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
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Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert