avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
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Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.