NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
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god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.