Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
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So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
Who.
Did.
This?
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.