1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
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My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat