so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
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I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.