I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
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How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
My dryer is celebrating lint.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.