You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
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My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.