“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
You Might Also Like
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
I beg your pardon?
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.