When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
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Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
couldn’t resist
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!