murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
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When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.