Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
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My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
Love this one 😂🧟
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark