If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
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pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about