Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
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The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…