*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
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When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
Sing it!
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
True freaking story!
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.