ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
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Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
A friend sent me this.