Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
You Might Also Like
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?