Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
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I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”