Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
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The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
why does this building look like a guilty dog
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend