Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
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This is my pinned tweet
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
it was love at first sight
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
my retirement plan is braless
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.