My kids refused to let me “friend” them on Facebook, as they didn’t want me to see what they were up to. So I created an account for the family dog, they immediately friended and I can see everything.
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The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo