*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
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To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
I need this for my side hustle.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat