Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
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‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.