Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
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Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.