“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
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Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.