People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
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Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
Okay
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth