*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
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her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
Not all heroes wear capes.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
Labreador
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Me sliding into hell like
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.