stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
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Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.