the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
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Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school